SUPER AZN SKILLZ YO LOL

I have fallen, within the past 6 months, into the deep dark pit of online dating; during this period, my surprise about the utter weirdness of people has somehow managed to intensify daily. The title of this posting in fact, was lifted from an actual Match.com user's account because it made me laugh out loud. Hilarious? Yes. But you have less than 10 words to sum yourself up to a potential date and all you can come up with is, "SUPER AZN SKILLZ YO LOL"??!

Last night I had a first date with a fellow match.com-er I thus dub "Blade" (inspired by a true fantasy of lycra and sequins that was a Blades of Glory Halloween costume). It was a truly great, and if you know anything about me personally, un-blogworthy event. Absolutely nothing disastrous, awkward, embarrassing, or completely dangerous occurred (clearly something is amiss...what about the days of meeting strangers under the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve? What about sleeping over in the greyhound bus station in Richmond because I was snowed in and intent to visit aforementioned New Year's Eve Loser?? Am I becoming...average???) He was even as attractive in person as his online pictures suggested, which makes telling this story that much less interesting (if positive potential for my future dating life) and made the two bottles of wine we polished off at The Local a pleasantry as opposed to a necessity.

I digress from the original intent of my post momentarilly to mention that Blade is 30. Recently I have been applying a new dating 'technique' shall we say...date progressively older men until you find one at an age where he has finally progressed past the stage of hormone-obsessed, unreliable, pre-teen with a boner. Alas: success!

I continue my digression (because I have piqued my own interest, and it's my blog and I can do what I want). I've discovered, from gritty in-the-trenches research (the things I do to amuse myself...) a discrete series of man stages that occur between 20 and 30. I'm going to lay them out here, but they are in no way set in stone. Feel free to comment, add insight, or suggest additional stages of man you have discovered (must be based on personal research however!!) and if you add a slightly embarrassing story that led you to your discovery, to you friend: instant props.

Stage 1) 20-22: This is a no-brainer. These are little boys doing keg stands and bong rips. If you're looking for a serious commitment, or even someone who rolls over in the morning and remembers you're there (if he remembers your name, he is completely advanced for this stage and a possible qualifier for Stage 2 upgrade) keep walking.

Stage 2) 22-24: Who's getting married? Military men. If you're more interested in getting the rock, than nabbing the ideal man, just look for one in uniform. Otherwise, men at this age are just settling into their careers. They are obsessed with what they do, how they will make money, and are basically self-centered in general. These guys are fun and cocky. If you are looking for a one-night-stand, Stage 2 is your man. Looking for more? They're not ready yet, pass Go, collect $200 and move to stage 3.

Stage 3) 24-26: These men start to think, "Oh shit, I might almost kind of be getting old." Don't be fooled: almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. They quickly rebound from the shock of being a quarter of a century old and start enjoying the benefits of having more money and independence while being simultaneously (and for the last time in their lives) sporting a full head of hair and no noticeable fine lines or wrinkles. This comes at a cost however. There is some sort of crisis that goes on at this stage that prevents our bachelor in question from getting really serious with a girl. The aging party boy is starting to feel like he needs a new niche. Our ex pledge master craves a new and classier brotherhood void of strange hazing rituals, sorority brats, any type of Miller beer, and bitchy girls in general. They start to take into consideration both brains and boobs, but need time to complete this little quarter life crisis alone. I suggest waiting until they've come out the other side and discovered the world of good wine, better conversation, and women that don't look like strippers or ballerinas.

Stage 4) 27-29: This is the final stage of our man stew we've been brewing up here. Let it simmer, sample it, throw in some seasoning and be patient. The previously described crisis is wrapping up, but shows intermittent peaks of rediculous and inexplicable behavior as men start to attend their guy friends' weddings and realize they are still single...and almost actually kind of old. Shotgunning beers on your back porch alone is not as fun as it may sound, and the dog they got at 22 is either dead, getting close to it, or just not cutting it anymore. Make yourself available to a stage 4 man but turn and run if he shows flakiness, general unpredictability, and unreliability. You don't need to beat around the bush with these guys anymore, they respect women that command respect, know what they want, and refuse to settle. Be that hot bitch (and still be nice).

Stage 5) 30-33: Our amazing bachelor has achieved his best single self at this point. It's your turn to show him he can only be truly better under your influence. These guys will be gentlemen, take things slow if they are interested in you, and generally try to woo you if they are interested; there should be no guesswork involved. If they do not display ALL of these signs of maturation: leave. They may never grow up, and if they need a woman to show them how, are they really worth the effort?